Suggested Secret Menu Items

These aren’t real. Yet.

Written by Julia McCloy and illustrated by Jim Steffen

Huey’s: The Ceiling Fan
Order a Ceiling Fan, and you’ll get 30 to 40 toothpicks in your World Famous Huey Burger. If you can’t get a toothpick in the ceiling with 30 tries, do you even deserve to eat at Huey’s?

French Truck: The Monster Truck
French Truck delivers you a monster-sized coffee in their darling little truck. You can also order a baguette to stir your coffee, but that’s extra.

Pho Binh: Binh There. Done That.
Ask for the Binh There. Done That., and you get an overflowing tub of lemongrass tofu delivered hot to your table. Just for you. At noon. Right during the lunch rush. Requirement: You need to eat at the buffet at least three times a week for three years straight to even order this. This shouldn’t be a problem.

Pancho’s: The Chip Tease
What’s better than Pancho’s dip? More Pancho’s dip dripping from a fountain. Order the Chip Tease with chips and grab a spoon, or stick your head in there.

Commissary: The Pork and Mindy
Do you love the ’70s hit Mork and Mindy, but wish it had more barbecue? We have the secret menu item for you. To order the Pork and Mindy, just say, “’Naner ‘naner,” and get two Commissary favorites together on the same plate: banana pudding and barbecue ribs. This may be a secret that needs to stay a secret.

Julia McCloy is a writer living in Memphis. Laughing is her raison d’etre, which is French for her other raisin. She has two raisins. Her writing has appeared in McSweeney’s.

Jim Steffen is an illustrator living in Memphis. When he was little he told his mom that he wanted to be a “drawer” when he grew up. It confused her. But hey, Mom, look now.